Reporter: what do you know about football?
He: well, you know it’s a great game. Absolutely fine game. I have been involved with it for a while now. So far, I have won a number of national titles and some number of Muslim and Mexican hat(e) titles as the manager of the Republicans FC. Although I am a big fan of Democrats FC 😉 You know I don’t know much about them. Except they are the cause of every problem in this country since last 200 years.
Reporter: Wonderful…! how you achieved these milestones?!?
He: Well, it’s a little bit complicated. Although, I managed the team but I equally participated in the match too. You know as a player. To be honest, as every player. Literally every player. But let me tell you something. Everything needs struggle and hard work. My record isn’t just a fact sheet. It is the result of many long hours of work and commitment with the game. Yeah, you got it right. It’s my passion. It’s my thing. Actually, the only thing I am doing these days. A lot. That’s how, you know. On a secret note between you and me; It helped me become the manager in the first place 😉
Reporter: Wow, amazing. That’s some real stuff there. But why have we not heard about you? You know, Republicans FC is a famous club. It’s strange to not know the most successful manager in the club’s history in that capacity?
He: Frankly, I am a shy young person. I avoid all the drama, being in the news, live on Facebook, all the fake stuff etc. I don’t do it. I don’t even do Instagram. I try to be at home, most of the time. Home is where I don’t care about anything else. And where I get these brilliant ideas.
Reporter: oh, we can see that now. What are your future plans being in the club?
He: Well, as I have told you I am a busy person. Actually, I have been very busy about my upcoming projects. Do you know I am competing for the manager of the President Club this November? A very old and I-don’t-know-her-name woman is my competitor. She has been the secretary of the club for some time. It’s a sad day for the President club and its fans. Woman? A woman is going to decide the future of the club and its fans? I really have no words to express how much it pains me, really 😦
Reporter: That’s some concerning comments. You have not answered our question yet sir, about the future?
He: oh, yes. Excuse me, I was really caught up with that tired old looking lady. So, I was telling you about my plans? Hmmm, what plans? There are no plans at all. Hahaha…..
Reporter: oh, but you seemed to have some plans, some really cool plans.
He: uhh, those plans. Yeah, you know they are some really great plans. It will remodel my new club and shine its fans. First, I will deport every immigrant fan out of the club fandom. You know, they create many problems. They are brown, lots of black and some mixed, God sake. No one wants to see them in the fandom. They are actually a burden on the white fans. They demand equal rights to watch and attend every game. To be a part of it. If we allow this, there will be no more room left for our very own fans. I will kick them out of the club and fandom. They don’t belong here. I will send them directly to Mexico.
Second, there’s this violent, radical, extremist group in our small fandom. Some call them Muslims. I won’t even give them a name. They are a real threat to the President Club and its fandom. They are a big problem. They are responsible for everything happening in the President’s fandom and everywhere in the league. They are violent and radical and God knows follows what evil preaching. We can’t have a fresh breath without them. So, I am going to kick them out too.
Furthermore, I am going to stop importing footballs from China national team. They are hurting our local small business and thus the finances of our club and fandom. Our fans need some sincere efforts in this matter. I have got plans for that too. I am going to make the President club and the fandom great again. Yeah, mark my words. The plans are underway.
Reporter: cool. these are some horrible plans, I mean really, they are good plans. By the way, I forgot to ask your name. What was your good name sir?
He: Oh, it’s Trump, Republicans FC nominated and running for Manager of the President Club, Donald G. Trump. Did you see my last match with the secretary of the President Club and manager of the Democrats FC on TV?!?
Reporter: Oh, was that you? Yes, of course it was you. I watched like for the first 20 minutes. I wasn’t impressed. I mean it’s really an honor to meet you Mr. Trump.
Trump: Oh, yes, my pleasure. Any time please. You know what, if I became manager at the President Club, I am going to give you some really long cool interviews. And bonus: you can have a cup of coffee as well. You know what, I feel like you and I can make my plans really working. And together, we can make the club and fandom great again.
Reporter: ……………………………
Trump: Hey! Hello…..Hey! Where’s the reporter? He was just here. Hey……….!!!!!!!!! That idiot just stole my smart plans. Someone call the police…..Hey……..!!!!!!!
NOTE: I wrote this piece last year before the presidential election in the U.S. but never published it. I think it is never late to share some thoughts.
Mohsin Shah 